


this is me trying

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Implied Domestic Violence, Mentions of Stabbing, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25937542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: “What would you do if I didn’t come back?”.Chimney packs a bag and decides to leave LA without saying goodbye whilst he and Maddie are taking a minute.
Relationships: Howie "Chimney" Han & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Kudos: 12
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	this is me trying

“What would you do if I didn’t come back?”

The question on the other end of the phone takes her by surprise, even more so when it’s accompanied by the emotionless tone of his voice, so unlike how she knows and remembers him. For a moment, she doesn’t know what to say, angrily wiping at the tears that have made their way down her cheeks before she shakes her head.

Maddie had really thought they were only taking a minute that would end when they were both ready. She hadn’t expected Hen to turn up at her door eight weeks after that minute to tell her that Chimney had packed a bag and left, no note, no phone call, no discussion, just… gone. It took everything within her to push past the anger and the hatred she felt towards the man, wondering when he had decided he didn’t want anything to do with her going forward.

She looks up helplessly at his best friend, the two of them sat in the other woman’s car as they try and decipher exactly where Chimney had gone. He had at least twelve hours on them though, and they had wasted so much time going to all the places they thought he would be to no avail. This was the twenty-seventh time Maddie had tried before he finally picked up and she still wasn’t getting anywhere. Hen only shakes her head, a terrified look on her own face before Maddie focuses her attention on the road in front of them, suddenly terrified that Hen is driving in completely the wrong direction and there will be even more distance between her and Chimney when he needs her.

He just doesn’t know he needs her, not yet.

The silence has been too long, she knows she needs to say something, _anything_ but she can’t think of anything profound that will force him to come back to where he belongs. “I don’t know.” She finally whispers, taking him off speaker and pressing the phone to her ear instead, “I-I don’t know what I would do, Chimney.” The truth and Chimney always seem to mix well, and really, she didn’t know what else she could possibly say to him beyond it.

He doesn’t say anything but she can hear heavy breathing on the other end, the kind that causes her to grip her phone even tighter as she closes her eyes. “Please don’t make me find out, please—I don’t want to ever know the answer to that question, so please come home. Please, I’m begging you. You don’t even have to come home to me, you don’t have to love me or end the minute, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. But you have people here who love you, who want to be there for you through everything you’re going through. You shouldn’t be alone, you don’t need to be alone.”

He takes a deep, shuddering breath and Maddie can feel Hen reaching out to gently squeeze her thigh, the two women looking at each other for just a second. “What if I want to come home to you?” He finally asks, his breath hitching as though he’s crying and she wishes she could be there to wrap her arms around him and tell him everything is going to be okay. It wasn’t his fault that Shannon died, it wasn’t his fault what happened with Doug, he deserved better than the cruel tricks his mind played on him sometimes.

“Then I’d be there waiting for you. Please, Howie, please—tell me where you are, it’s just me and Hen in the car at the moment, we can come get you. Please let me be there for you, just wanna hold you.”

There’s a sigh, followed by sniffing and she knows he’s crying, only the fact she can’t do anything about it from where she is breaks her heart. “I’ll come home.”

“Let me come get you.”

“No, Maddie… you can’t.”

Something inside her tells her not to push it, shaking her head as she sobs and the words fall out anyway, “W-why can’t I come get you?”

“I’m at Big Bear, I just needed—needed to see for myself. Please, I’ll be home in a few hours. Just a few hours, I promise I’ll come home.” Her heart clenches at the thought of him in her own personal hell from all those months ago, but she gives a small nod of her head.

“You promise?” Desperate eyes search Hen’s, in the hopes the other woman will be able to trust Chimney as much as Maddie is willing to right then.

“I do. I lo—I’ll be home, I’m getting in my car now.”

The sound of a car door shutting and an engine starting is enough to build the trust ever so slightly, “I love you.” She whispers, so quiet she’s not sure he’s heard it until she’s sure she hears a sob on the other end.

It takes a minute, a small smile on her face after he’s cleared his throat, “I love you too, Maddie.”

“We’ll be at your apartment.”

“I’ll be there.”

. 

Hen paces outside Chimney’s apartment building as she frowns. It’s already been two and a half hours, he should have been back by now. Logically, she tries to account for LA traffic and maybe Chimney had to stop off for gas or food, _something_. There are a lot of reasons why he’s not made an appearance yet and not all of them involve the worst case scenario.

Still, she can’t help the relief that builds inside of her when she recognises the car pulling into the space next to hers. It takes a whole level of control she didn’t know existed within her to stop herself from running over to him and either wrapping her arms around her best friend or slapping him for terrifying her.

She had let herself into his apartment on a whim, because she couldn’t shake this feeling in the pit of her stomach when he hadn’t turned up for work under the guise he was sick. Chimney was never sick and when he was, he’d deny it until he was blue in the face. The apartment was as clean as it had been when she had left it a few days before, but a few of his clothes were missing, his car was gone, his passport and there was no note. Alongside the fact he wasn’t answering his phone to her, Hen had known there was only one other person she needed to call who could possibly talk some sense into him.

So, she had turned up at Maddie’s apartment with no warning, the desperation enough in her voice and in her eyes to convince the other woman that Chimney had run away. She’s his best friend and she can’t help but feel as though she should have seen it coming – she had seen the way his hair had been greying over the past two months, how his mood could change within seconds, the dark circles beneath his eyes as though he simply couldn’t sleep. She had just assumed it was stress and guilt after everything with Doug, Maddie and being stabbed, along with being thrown into the role of Captain without a choice, not much of one anyway.

Hen just assumed he’d come to her when he was ready, that he would open up and finally pour out his feelings. Forcing him had never gotten her anywhere (usually on the other side of a locked door as he insisted he was fine, even when she knew otherwise), so she had waited. She had been patient (on the outside), but clearly she had waited too long. She wasn’t sure she would ever be able to forgive herself for not knowing he was planning on running away and leaving everyone and everything behind.

She keeps herself grounded at the bottom of the steps that lead to the building, fists clenching as she bites down harshly on her bottom lip. “You’re an idiot.” She finally manages to get out when he shuts the car door behind him and walks towards her. It’s not quite the soft, loving words she had planned to say when she finally saw him, when a few hours before, she had silently convinced herself that he wouldn’t be coming back. He still smiles at the affection in her voice though, arms wrapping tightly around her shoulders.

“I know.” Chimney whispers, “Thought I needed to leave to feel better, I changed my mind before I even answered Maddie’s call.” Hen had guessed that much considering he had been in Big Bear, which was barely two hours away when he could have been out of the state at that point. He was planning on coming back, but it didn’t make her feel any better that she had almost lost him in the first place. “Where is Maddie?”

Hen glances up towards the building, “Cried herself to sleep.” The guilt crosses his face and she quickly shakes her head, “She’s okay, just got herself a little worked up, I don’t think she’s been sleeping much either.” Hen’s hand moves to his cheek with a frown on her face, “Were you really going to leave without saying goodbye?”

Even the thought hurts, Hen wasn’t entirely certain she wanted to know life at the 118 without her best friend, she had never been there without him by her side. Her heart aches as she takes a breath, doing her best to stop the tears from falling.

“I-I… don’t know. I didn’t plan it, I just woke up this morning, packed a bag and left. I don’t even know what I was thinking or where I wanted to go. I just needed to get away, it just didn’t feel like home anymore.”

“And it does now?”

The question causes him to pause before he shrugs his shoulders, “I just spent half a day wandering around Big Bear, trying to imagine how Maddie must have felt as she fought for her life and I just—I didn’t know where else I could ever call home. Not when she’s here, you’re here, the 118. My family. I realised I couldn’t let him win, not when Maddie had fought so hard. I couldn’t just—give up.” There’s a strength in his voice she hasn’t heard in a while, a determination in his eyes that somehow dampens every ounce of anger she had felt within her. Instead, she smiles and nods her head, pulling him in for another hug as she just breathes him in.

“You’re going to make a great Captain one day, when you’re ready, I hope you know that. You’re already an amazing friend and—” She pulls back to press both her hands to either side of his face, “That girl loves you in the way you deserve to be loved, you’re going to make an amazing _boyfriend,_ too.” The blush on his cheeks causes her to smirk before she shakes her head and takes a breath, stepping back.

“We still need a word about you running away like that but for now, there’s someone else who needs to see you more. You scared her, she thought—” With a frown, Hen looks back at her car, half knowing she has to leave but also not wanting to. “I’ll be around in the morning with breakfast.”

It’s hard to leave him behind, knowing he’s in safe arms but still it’s hard for her to let go as she walks to her car. “Chimney?” She calls out when he’s at the top of the stairs and she opens her car door, he turns to look at her, “Don’t ever scare me like that again.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

.

Chimney is nervous when he reaches the door of his own apartment, unsure if he’s ready to face her whilst knowing he has to. He takes a breath before he opens the door, a deep frown on his face when he sees her curled up in a ball on his couch, blanket draped over her. He’s exhausted in every possible sense of the word, his body feeling heavy when he closes the door gently behind him and walks over to her.

He’d never wanted to upset or hurt her, in his mind, leaving had been for the best. He had unwittingly brought Doug back into her life, left her wide open for him to kidnap her. She could have died, the only reason she hadn’t was because she had fought so hard. The guilt would always remain, remembering every single conversation he’d had with the man, how often he had discussed Maddie, not noticing the look in his eyes or the jokes he had told at Maddie’s expense. His heart clenches; hindsight was a wonderful thing. The red flags had all been there but he hadn’t noticed, not until it was too late.

He feels so undeserving of her love but at the same time, happy that she can forgive him. Because maybe if she can, then one day he could get there, too. Slowly, he kneels down next to the couch, fingers brushing through her hair as he pushes it from her face, a smile on his lips as he looks at her. She’s pale, her skin blotchy from where she had been crying and yet, she’s still the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. Despite everything, Chimney still smiles when her eyelashes flutter and he can finally see those deep, brown eyes he loves so much. “Howie?”

He nods his head, easily leaning forward to press his lips to her forehead before he takes a breath, “You came back.”

“I told you I would.”

“Didn’t want to believe you until I saw you.” Maddie mumbles, sitting up as she rubs her eyes before she reaches out a hand for his face, brushing her fingers along his cheek. “You left.”

“I-I came back…”

The whimper that falls from her lips breaks his heart, forcing him to stumble up and sit on the couch next to her, so easily and quickly pulling her onto his lap as his arms wrap tightly around her. “Were you going to—” Maddie’s fingers trace from his forehead, down his nose, around his lips and then along his jawline as though she’s trying to memorise every part of him whilst she can, as though he’s going to disappear at any second. The tears in her eyes cause a lump to grow in his own throat, his chest tight – he wants to say no, but he’s not entirely certain of what his plans had been. He just wanted to leave, needed to leave.

“I don’t know, Maddie.” He’s as honest with her as she had been on the phone to him earlier that night, “I wish I had the answers, I really do but I just—I thought I was leaving and then suddenly I was at Big Bear and I found answers I had no idea I was looking for.” She nods her head as though what he’s saying makes complete sense, even if both of them know it’s a lot more complicated than that. Still, her body snuggles a little more into him, hand moving to rub his ear lobe ever so gently before she reverts back to ghosting her fingers along every inch of his face before she presses her lips against his neck.

“Thank you for coming back.”

Chimney shakes his head, “Thank you for fighting, Maddie. I can’t imagine—thank you for coming home.”

Slowly, she pulls back, finally resting the palm of her hand on his cheek as she takes a breath, “And you’re home now, too? Right? You’re staying?”

“I’m staying.”

“You’ll get help?” The desperation in her eyes is matched only by the look Hen had given him earlier, forcing him to nod his head because he knows that no matter how loved he feels, he still needs to sort his thoughts out in his head, talk about what’s going through his head to an unbiased person.

“Howie?” The change in her voice pulls him from his thoughts as he takes a breath and smiles down at her, nervous. “Can you kiss me?”

He’s too eager to voice it aloud, quickly nodding his head before he tilts his head down enough for their lips to meet, her hand moving to the back of his neck as she pulls him closer. The kiss is unlike either of the two they’ve shared before, tears on both their faces long-since dried, there’s no sadness, just… relief and longing. When she smiles, he does, too, only pulling back to catch his breath, nudging his nose against hers as he feels the heat of her heavy breath against his face.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”


End file.
